suffering in silence - a one woman dialogue

I could really use a cigarette and my husband completely supports me in having one. NOT. I'm going to wait to smoke one in PEACE & QUIET. $15, 000 and 18lbs later and I don't even have a negative test result becuz my body hates me so much it won't even let me get that far. So this is a much earned smoke that's to be shared with somebody that even gives a half of a rats ass if I had a good friend to share it with.

I've been thinking tonight. I've had a lot of personalities in the last 36 years... a whole lot of different "me's". There's the white valley girl, the black revolutionary, the gangster, the gotta have a donut fat girl, the tough 21 year old new yorker, the hollywood skinny bulemic bitch, the addict,  the super spiritual guru, the totally self-indulgent, the life-coach, the life saver, the actress, the singer, the witch, the bitch, the poet, the artist, the girlfriend, the raw foodist, the vegetarian, the burger eater, the daughter, the sister, the aunt, the best friend, the wife, ... and well the list goes on and on... but through all my many different personalities there's one me that I can't seem to shake, can't get rid of, mature or grow out of and it's the one ME I'd like to kick the most... the SICK ME. I can't really ever remember a time in my life where I wasn't sick or feeling like shit on some level. I don't know if my memory serves me right and if growing up in school I was faking sick because I wanted to stay home or if I was really feeling sick. I do clearly remember waking up many mornings and laying in bed and yelling "mooooooom I'm siiiiiiick I can't go to school" followed by  "it's not fair OTHER PEOPLES PARENTS let them stay home from school when their SICK" a miserable car ride of tears and yelling and then well 50 % of the time waiting on the school steps for her to pick me up and take me home...so THOSE must have been the times I really WAS sick or THAT'S when I began to really develop into a serious actress. I'm thinking with both options that maybe they could have been some sort of self prophesising manifestation of the future?... possibly... I may have just  quite possibly MADE myself sick for the rest of my life... literally manifested my disease... I do have that POWER within me (let's not forget there was the WITCH me... casting spells) ... but then we'll never really know for sure if it's a manifestation, genetics, or fate because my disease is just so god damn complicated.  It took 10 years or more of suffering to be diagnosed, so yea it's very complicated. To be diagnosed. A diagnosis. A diagnonsense... A dialogue of nonsense... Yes it's still a word I'm trying to theoretically break down like disease which I'm quite saturated in at this moment... dis-ease. I'm kind of liking the "dialogue of nonsense" breakdown because right about now this is how I feel a conversation with most doctors is... it's a "dialogue of nonsense"  When you've met as many doctors as I have throughout the United States in every venue from an ER to a private practice you start to see one common thread through the weaving of the medical blanket and that's that they're all just really having a dialogue of nonsense with you after  as my husband puts it years of  "A, B, C or D fill in the answer on the multiple choice and get a degree, now you get to charge people a lot of money while your screwing them in the rear with no grease" hope that BMW is super comfortable and treating you nice while you drive real fast from being able to look at yourself in the mirror cause I don't know how any person can face themselves sober that is in an industry that's all about taking people's money at their most vulnerable or leaving them to die when they don't have any money left to take. NOW THAT My friends is the taste of BITTERNESS...  what I call a REAL SECONDARY DISEASE. It's the one you manifest when your simply just fed up with the American Medical Health Care System oh and let's not fail to mention INSURANCE companies. Let's break that word down... hmmmm Insurance... pay a high monthly premium that may even be more than your mortgage and be INSURED to have a lot of DIS-EASE in your life while you have what seems to be a never ending DIALOGUE OF NONSENSE with every representative in every department insuring you a pain in your ASS while you try to deal with being SICK. ENDOMETRIOSIS IS A BITCH.