PAIN you Bastard Endometriosis

It's been awhile since I've written... I guess because it has just been an incredibly long and trying year.. emotionally, physically, spiritually and on so many levels I can not explain. Last year I finally gave into Lupron Treatment for my Endometriosis in the fall of 2010. I was getting married and I just did not want to take the chances of having my period during my wedding week which would have completely destroyed my wedding. Especially because in the last year and a half for a good 9 months we spent at least once a month in the ER of hospitals in two different states. In fact just this week I had an ER visit in Miami and the doctor actually said "Your Back". He knew who I was. Pretty Sad. There was no bullshit he just cut straight to the chase... 2 shots of dialudid to kill the pain not even with an IV just straight into the bum muscle... he made a couple phone calls to my pain management doctor and gyno and my husband and I were on our way. I was so doped up I don't even remember how I got home.... This is becoming a battle that I'm just tired of fighting. Before the Lupron treatments last year I did one cycle of birth control... after 3 months of being a complete psycho on Lupron for the first time ever, can you imagine planning a wedding and all that stress coupled with being shot into Menopause at 36 years old... Insanity... my husband and I within a month after the treatment knowing that I was fertility challenged decided to attempt doing an IVF cycle. We flew to California after having met with a doctor in Miami that we started the process with but decided he had no heart and was just basically a mad scientist who had no compassion... what has happened to the world of medical care... they just don't care anymore. My family physician of over 20 years Highly recommended an IVF doctor in California that she said we could trust and so we spent two months in Cali beginning the process of trying to create a family. My husband afraid of needles, shot me up twice daily with hormones while I shot myself in the stomach twice a day as well for two months... it was a trying time... Newlyweds who should have been enjoying our first months of marriage we're just trying to survive the emotional swings and chemical hormonal imbalance and emotional pain for my husband of dealing with the IVF cycle. We didn't even make it through. We got a call from the doctor saying my body just was not responding to the hormones.... just not producing anything... and she was so matter of fact and so cold and so just like OH WELL.... AND we Were BEYOND crush. We made so many threats out of our anger, we went to her office demanding our money back, because we'd been through hell and back with our insurance company, we screamed and I threatened to go to the press with my story. It was awful it was almost the point of no return for me.  To this day we have not shared with anyone our journey outside of my mother who was there supporting us through it all. It was heart breaking and we were FILLED WITH ANGER... we felt taken advantage of and I  was just so PISSED at my body for letting me down. ENDOMETRIOSIS I HATE YOU. The worst part was not longer after returning to our home in Florida we found out our inlaws we're pregnant... and that was heart wrenching. It was not easy to receive that news, it was not easy to see their journey and it was a joyful yet painful moment the day their beautiful daughter was born because I don't know about my husband but I could not help but think at this very moment in time if it wasn't for Endometriosis we could have been having the same experience. It's hard to feel joy for someone else when you've suffered through the unexplainable pain of what we had been through. The day we arrived to our home after driving across country from Cali to Miami I fell to the floor buckled over in horrific pain and in 20 minutes the paramedics were at our door. This is just a nutshell, there's just so much that's happened that it would take hours, days, weeks, months, even years to write it all down. It's hard and I can't believe I've finally come to a place of being able to share. My husband found an oncologist in Miami while my mother was visiting a few months later after our return from the IVF Nightmare and this doctor referred me to a pain management doctor, low and behold all that's come of that is a cabinet full of prescription narcotics that could fill pharmacy shelves or make some dope head one happy crack baby. There's no resolve, there's no cure, there's no solution. There's just this never ending battle of PAIN. I've been sleeping until 6pm. I've been taking pain killers and those side effects are just unbearable. I feel like I've lost my life, but at the same time there's like this tiny little flame that's steadily burning deep inside buried underneath the masses of cysts and fibroids and adhesions and lesions and god knows what else. I have a husband who stands by me, thank god I'm not alone. We won't be having children, we've accepted that... am I still angry? No. am I still sad? No. I'm actually at this place where I feel like that aspect is a blessing. I look around me at all the children in the lives of my friends and family and I think "what a nightmare these people are living in" in their own way. My brother used to always say kids are overrated. I always used to get pissed at him for that when he would so thoughtlessly suggest a hysterectomy, but now I get it. So here we are again... a little over a year later... facing the option of another shot at Lupron because we are at a loss. I was never an advocate for Lupron treatments... there was a moment in this past year where I thought wow if I would have just did the Lupron 7 years ago... things maybe would be different. But we make our bed and we lay in it... Lupron = MENOPAUSE, night sweats, hot and cold flashes, Insanity, bone pain, weight loss, stress, depression... but what's worse? Being completely bedridden everyday of your life or 2 weeks out of the  month addicted to pain medications stronger than heroin. A hysterectomy is not a cure... and yet I even finally gave into that option and was told it would be life threatening for me because of the Endo on my colon and the two major surgeries I had for endo and the fact that another surgery could create bowel recession and be fatal. So in a nutshell I'm just fucked. I'm sitting here at 8:07am a few days before New Years and I'm pondering the Lupron.... Pondering the Lupron... I want a fresh New Year. I'm  moving back to NYC with my husband to go back to my career fulltime and Endometriosis can not get in my way. I won't let it. Anymore. Thank You to my husband... Thank You to my mother... Thank you to my father.... the 3 of you... are the ONLY ones that have enough compassion to listen to me, to sit through my literal screams of suffering in pain, to hold my hand, to hold me and I know you have nothing to say because I know you know there is NOTHING you can do to help me. I know for you and for my husband you suffer in your own ways of feeling helpless and how awful to watch your child and your wife that you love suffer and not have anything you can do to help.  God I'm so grateful for you. Do you know this? This is not an easy disease. So many women like myself are suffering. I've done all I can to raise awareness, I want a fucking cure god damn it. I look at Marilyn Monroe who also had Endo and I get it.  I hope my life does not end in some tragic way like her,  where it will be misconceived the pill bottles, the pain, the suffering, the insecurity, the mood swings, the death. I want to say this though, to all you that think you know, to all you that are on the outside of the bubble looking in, what you see is your own perception. You will NEVER know who we truly are, what we go through, how we truly SUFFER, why we are how we are, and NO I AM NOT BITTER, but I have no patience for your Bullshit. I have no patience for your whining about your miniscule idiotic complaints, because I have a clear and true reality of what suffering is. So when I hear you whining about the ridiculous things in your lives I look at you and laugh because you don't realize how blessed you are just to be HEALTHY. If you have your HEALTH you have EVERYTHING. So shut the fuck up and realized how Blessed You Are and how Easy you just may have it. There's always someone suffering worse than you. Just like right now in this moment there is someone who is suffering worse than I and I know because I've lived it and I've seen it with my own eyes, I've seen and experienced the suffering of another far worse than my own. So I can still recognize my own blessings and THAT'S what makes me TOUGH and that's what makes me a WARRIOR and THAT'S what makes me a SURVIVOR and THAT'S what makes me DISMISSIVE of BULLSHIT and have NO PATIENCE for those who have no clear perception and concept of what truly MATTERS IN LIFE.

Dear Endo... Go Fuck Yourself. You're not going to stop me from living my dreams, You're not going to cripple me from living a full life, You will NOT win against ME.

Peace.